How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
