I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
