You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
