She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
