So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
