She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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