He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
