how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
