All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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