I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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