We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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