I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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