I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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