Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize