If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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