she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize