I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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