nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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