I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
