Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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