i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
