thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
