just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
