haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
