Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
