There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
