Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
