He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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