you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
