if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
