I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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