I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
