I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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