you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
