Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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