I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
