you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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