Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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