Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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