We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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