I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
