so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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