Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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