Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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