genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wear drunk well.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
