His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I need moral support for this bender
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
