I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I deserve this hangover.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
