Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
