In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
