and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
