Will you blow on my dice?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
