I wish I could teleport
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
