Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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