In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
