how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
